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The Process.

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At the beginning of 2020 I had scribbled some thoughts to myself while reflecting on greatness and why it is a thing difficult for me to discover. While understanding fully well that comparison is the thief of joy, I looked back at my dreams and aspirations that I held when I was younger only to see my life veer into a path that beheld none of these dreams simply because they seemed not a part of my destiny. No matter how hard I fought, I faced wall after wall after wall (after wall, after blasted wall) trying to force my passion which led to depression and eventually a strongly-worded, tearful monologue to the Most High. Since that season, I have made myself content to live what I consider to be a very, normal, average life in comparison to my lofty dreams. It is a life which I love very much yet here’s what I had written:

I eventually got used to it, to the point where I sat and I counselled myself on why it was ok to run my average race.

“There is nothing wrong with being average, love yourself and embrace your wins even if others think that they are miniscule in the larger comparison of things.”

Loving myself for who I am has made me comfortable. Has it made me afraid of my potential though? For more than who I am? Because I have struggled to accept me for who I am rather than the ‘me’ who keeps wondering and comparing herself with who she could be….

What are you afraid of girl?

TMIDM

Ok so maybe some fallacies therein but it was a mini stream of consciousness so you get the gist. Basically I have conditioned myself to love myself as I am and to see greatness and appreciate where I’m at and not prove to dream and aspire to greater. Now, this isn’t something that it a new-found thought process. I have been accepting my averageness since I was a child. Though it may be comfortable state for me to stay safely on this side of the thin line, I’m also fully well aware that it is a defense mechanism to deal with emotional middle child trauma. I don’t need a couch and a one-hour session to identify that. But here is the funny thing: the gratitude that I feel for my average life which does contain many successes which centre mostly on my ‘superwoman’ domestic abilities, also leaves room for me to wonder if I am short-changing myself just because I’m happy and comfortable. Maybe it’s a manifestation of a need for more self-confidence. Maybe I’m afraid of a challenge. (I won’t even begin to express how this affects my parenting. That’s a dissertation for a next time.)

The day before I go back out to work in January is always a day for reflection. Today I stared at my new 2021 planner which prompted ‘Yearly Goals’ and my mind drew a blank. I mean I know what I want for my family and even for myself in terms of my own self-care, health and spiritual needs but actual SMART goals? I could come up with nothing and it largely has to do with the rocking ride of disappointment and unfulfilled goals that was 2020, as well as the aforementioned ideation. I’m flat out intimidated to identify what would launch me from this very comfy plateau I think I’m on.

Mood: Meh

OK, so they say admittance is the first step. Now I know I made a really big one by re-launching my blog and getting more of ‘me’ out there on the socials and hopefully that leads me into new awakenings. (Actually, I’m counting on it because I’m having more fun than I thought and I’m connecting with a host of awesome folks. A goal? Perhaps). New awakenings usually come from dark, uncomfortable situations, like a seed in the ground and my trainer used to keep ringing out my ears to ‘Trust the Process’ while getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. That’s only when the growth happens.

So for 2021 I’m about to get really uncomfortable as I believe it is time for ME to grow some more. I would be lying if I said was ready but I hope can you accompany me on my journey to self-discovery this year and living life a little less average.

Blessings

TMIDM

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40 trips around the sun

trinimomindmiddle 6 Comments

One more time for the people in the back!…

In case you missed it…

I am the good, wholesome, round number 40 today, and I have been awaiting this day since I turned 39 last year. Praise God I made it! Seriously…..the way things are going…..praise God!

I am embracing the adjective ‘fabulous’ which mankind seems to place hand in hand with turning 40. I could stand to be a little more fabulous oui. Cue Meryl above….

I heard it goes up from here and please Lord let that be true because while my teens craved my twenties and my twenties were deliciously fun, discovering the reality of adulthood in my thirties was rough….and by rough, I mean lame. Adulting = lameness. The lie is absent.

Naturally, like most, I had goals to achieve this year before I turned 40, specifically 40 ‘never been experienced’ ideas/activities that I had carefully laid out. Then Ms. Rona pulled through and everybody get a meggie. I didn’t go back to that list having achieved the bare minimum and truthfully not feeling to go back to the tweaking board because of my pandemic shock. Rather than go over the list though, I will simply make mention here of a couple things that I learnt in my 30s (in random order).

  1. Adulting is lame. (This needed special, repeat mention). Why are we so excited about air fryers? I think that may be the reason I haven’t copped one yet, I feel like it will be the final straw.
  2. Your body will fail you. Where these new aches and pains come from is beyond me and then to discover other peers with aches and pains and then to commiserate over the similarity of said aches and pains….whew😒. Important to also mention is your body taking longer to whip itself back into shape as you may have been accustomed to previously. Truly sickening🙄.
  3. You will make your mental health a priority. It is amazing to consider the period of time I have spent analyzing my thoughts, processing my feelings, reasoning with friends and of course praying and seeking professional help just to make sure I get this adulting thing right in my head. Fun fact: it’s a work in progress.
  4. You will spend countless hours trying to lock down the future. You may spend time worrying about your future, your kids’ futures if you have them and if you don’t, wondering how to keep making your responses polite. You may wonder how long your parents have to live if you have them. You may wonder if your present job will carry you right to the 60 mark.
  5. Those kids will grow up on you. One minute they’re smelling like baby powder, next minute is bass voice, fighting for independent personality and teen angst.
  6. Alone time is critical. Social connections are necessary. Sleep is essential and balance is key, even if you are juggling to maintain the balance. Period.

That last one I’m rolling over into 2021 like the lotto at Christmas time.

I’m really hoping that 40 ushers in a period of advancement in more ways than one. Despite everything I am ever so GRATEFUL to be able to make mention of and to celebrate this day in one piece, hale and healthy. The gratitude extends to my family, friends and most of whom I’ve come across (the rest just have to go with God).

So help me toast my entry into the 40/40 club! I hope the music is good! Happy birthday to me!

📸 https://www.jasonaudain.com/
📸 https://www.jasonaudain.com/

It’s December! (…in 2020)

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If the 1st January is the start of a new year, fresh beginnings, campy resolutions, intentional promises and shaky gym memberships, the 1st of December represents the last ditch effort to give all of these things a go. Just knowing that we have one more month to aim high and finish with a flourish, makes December smell better than the rest. Moreover, with Christmas and my birthday in the mix, December is not up for debate as the best month of the year. Fight me.

#CapricornNation

Now arguably, what we need to pay attention to is that 2020 has been a strange one what with a pandemic, lockdowns, swarms of locusts and even a dead body joyriding to his own funeral here in my land.* (Is Trinidad a real place? Jah boy, who knows yes🙄😒) . December may very well be a slow crawl with us crossing fingers and praying for an end to the crazy when the clock strikes midnight on the 31st. However, I maintain that even while you expect the worst, you can still hope for the best. This year we have lost so much in terms of people (RIP to Rona victims, Kobe, Trebek and Maradona) and things (my sanity while teaching & homeschooling), it may be difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But you know something? The point of a tunnel is that you do eventually get out on the other side however long it may be.😉

This December I am really trying my best to scale down my Christmas prep as excited as I am for the season. It’s hard though, every suggestion I make to the hubby is either met with a raised eyebrow or a half smile which is his version of “you mad yes, smh” or “ok dear”. I already issued fair, advanced warning to the gremlinz to chop their Christmas lists in quarter (not half) as with Ms Rona still palancing, we need to save the coins as much as possible. Not to mention that IF school opens in January, money needs to be spent on covid protection, uniform, shoes, bookbags, lunchkits, preschool fees and allowances (not books, which they already have thank God). The idea of back-to-school spending in December with Christmas AND my 40th coming up is realllll trauma for me (and my bank card) and is low-key the second reason (the first is obvious) that I need school to remain closed….at least until February, I ain’t go lie. That January guava season will be reallll severe.

Still, we keep it positive right? I’m grateful that I can re-use my seasonal home items and although I will miss my Christmas shopping buddies and our outings, I can afford to make do with what I have. If there is anything I do need to get, I will be avoiding all the stores with the word “Home” in their names and patronizing as much local, small businesses as I can, particularly for gifting purposes. One good thing is that this movement picked up steam this year and I am so here for it! I honestly wish I could buy most of the quality products I’m observing but again…meh coins could only stretch so far😭.

So yes, it’s December! Let’s welcome it with hope and joy! Whether you are on #teamcaution or #teamYOLO still buss ah dance nah!!

#Carltondance

How are you preparing for this final stretch of 2020? What are you looking forward to the most this season? Let me know in the comments below!

Blessings

TMIDM