Feel what you need to feel

When I was bingeing the last season of Handmaids’ Tale in preparation for the finale, in one of the episodes a character, Moira, was saying that despite all the trauma the handmaids faced in Gilead, they should seek to find healing and closure to move on with their lives. The main character June retorted and questioned why they should seek healing and not be allowed to let anger and rage be the emotions to lead them if that is what they truly feel. This exchange reminded me of a conversation I had with a friend and a larger thought process I have had turning somewhere in the back of my mind for the past couple of weeks or so.

In the midst of this paralytic, we are encouraged to be the best version of ourselves so that we are able to function and not let the worries of the world weigh us down. We aim to be proactive, champion the productive and seek the positive. Feelings of gratitude, fulfilment and joy are pushed as the focus even by yours truly on social media. On my IG page on Fridays I remind my followers to find joy even in the ordinary. But listen, there are days when I am down in the depths of despair and on those days, it is the MOST comfortable place to be. Now let me preface what I am going to say further by saying that I am in TOTAL agreement that feeling the positive senses (joy, gratitude, peace and fulfilment etc.) can obviously lift you to a space where you need to be in order to conquer the heaviness of life. There is something inherently spiritual in that which must be accounted for. However, what I am basically saying is that if you feel like total shit before you are counting the blessings because that is how you truly need to feel at the point in time during a panasonic, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Forever they will ask “why you so serious?”

As a mom blogger in the middle of mindless scrolling, I have come across other moms doing absolutely beautiful activities: making the volcanoes, the sensory boxes, the outdoor games and the cupcakes all while balancing mindfulness, self-care, healthy lunch and laundry. (Seriously, allyuh realllll good!). Meanwhile there are many days where I am in my funk wishing for my social freedom and escape while gremlins 1, 2 and 3 can go right ahead into zombie-mode on their ample diet of videogames, japanese anime and Blaze & the Monster Machines respectively because I simply don’t feel like mothering and I selfishly need everyone to just leave me the fack alone for a while. I’m at a place where I comfortably feel this way and better than that, not feel an iota of guilt for it. I should be allowed to just feel what I feel without the added pressure of feeling what I ‘should’ feel because I should be grateful in this pancreatic. Uh, yeah ok but ‘llow me nah, please and thanks.

Now the inherent danger in this line of thinking is slipping into a dark place but I won’t segue other than to say that a circle or a tribe is critical to avoid this.

So you decide what you need to feel confidently and unapologetically. You can put up the pretense if you wish but you can only hold it up for so long, especially if you are a mother faced with the onslaught of eyes on your life and your purpose. The emotional release eventually comes as it should though so you might as well feel what you need to feel in order for you to keep the balance. Do you agree? Meet me in the comments!



N.B. Any word with three or more syllables that starts with ‘p’ and ends with ‘-ic’ are synonyms for the word pandemic. Don’t look at me, I didn’t make the rules.

Swimming in the S.E.A. – Part 2 (One virus shall rule them all)

I’m usually the person who tries to examine all possibilities and outcomes of situations and decisions (which is ridiculous since we mere mortals are never in control🙄) but I hate surprises and usually operate from a viewpoint of ‘hope for the best but expect the worst’. As I mentioned in a previous blog post, since my Mam’zelle is so different from my son I have been unable to pin her down with the S.E.A. exam, his progress was predictable, hers was a gypsy rollercoaster. Eventually she became steady and I finally became settled. As the days passed, more and more my load felt lighter and lighter, my daughter felt less and less stressed and we were both on the same page of being ready for the S.E.A. exam to come (and go😒).  I booked a surprise mini-vacay to the sister-isle on April 3rd just for the both of us and  I was reallllly looking forward to those memories: sun, sea, sips, spa-time and silliness……

Then came the Coronavirus.


Out of all the negative predictions I could have thought up to possibly interrupt the smooth running of her exam I did NOT foresee a global pandemic. At first I wasn’t so concerned as I expected COVID-19 to reach Trinidad, but this past week wrapped up with nationals panic-buying groceries, my house perpetually smelling like Lysol, multiple television addresses, closing of schools for a week and heightened speculation on social media that would make your head spin. This was coupled with no immediate word about the exam and of course further speculation from anxious parents and teachers. What finally triggered me was hearing schools closing in St. Lucia until after Easter, Jamaica closing schools and soon to make a decision about their own exams and then news that the Caribbean Examinations Council office in Jamaica closing with the May/June exams in the air.😳

In the wake of this virus taking over there is a pressing need to take all the necessary precautions but sadly it’s now brought two sets of anxieties for me to manage: high-stakes exam preparation and worldwide crisis. I asked Mam’zelle what she would prefer, for the exam to be moved up or postponed. She replied instantly ‘Moved up! It’s time for me to relax!’. I wholeheartedly agreed although now even the vacation is up in the air because you know….life….sigh….😔

So the waiting game continues as we start this week at home with the exam initially carded for two weeks away. Revision is planned, online sessions are prepared, leisure time is scheduled at home and of course, hands are being washed. I am hoping and praying for some semblance of normalcy even in the face of this absurdity that 2020 continues to dole out.

Blessings and be safe out there!