The Process.

At the beginning of 2020 I had scribbled some thoughts to myself while reflecting on greatness and why it is a thing difficult for me to discover. While understanding fully well that comparison is the thief of joy, I looked back at my dreams and aspirations that I held when I was younger only to see my life veer into a path that beheld none of these dreams simply because they seemed not a part of my destiny. No matter how hard I fought, I faced wall after wall after wall (after wall, after blasted wall) trying to force my passion which led to depression and eventually a strongly-worded, tearful monologue to the Most High. Since that season, I have made myself content to live what I consider to be a very, normal, average life in comparison to my lofty dreams. It is a life which I love very much yet here’s what I had written:

I eventually got used to it, to the point where I sat and I counselled myself on why it was ok to run my average race.

“There is nothing wrong with being average, love yourself and embrace your wins even if others think that they are miniscule in the larger comparison of things.”

Loving myself for who I am has made me comfortable. Has it made me afraid of my potential though? For more than who I am? Because I have struggled to accept me for who I am rather than the ‘me’ who keeps wondering and comparing herself with who she could be….

What are you afraid of girl?

TMIDM

Ok so maybe some fallacies therein but it was a mini stream of consciousness so you get the gist. Basically I have conditioned myself to love myself as I am and to see greatness and appreciate where I’m at and not prove to dream and aspire to greater. Now, this isn’t something that it a new-found thought process. I have been accepting my averageness since I was a child. Though it may be comfortable state for me to stay safely on this side of the thin line, I’m also fully well aware that it is a defense mechanism to deal with emotional middle child trauma. I don’t need a couch and a one-hour session to identify that. But here is the funny thing: the gratitude that I feel for my average life which does contain many successes which centre mostly on my ‘superwoman’ domestic abilities, also leaves room for me to wonder if I am short-changing myself just because I’m happy and comfortable. Maybe it’s a manifestation of a need for more self-confidence. Maybe I’m afraid of a challenge. (I won’t even begin to express how this affects my parenting. That’s a dissertation for a next time.)

The day before I go back out to work in January is always a day for reflection. Today I stared at my new 2021 planner which prompted ‘Yearly Goals’ and my mind drew a blank. I mean I know what I want for my family and even for myself in terms of my own self-care, health and spiritual needs but actual SMART goals? I could come up with nothing and it largely has to do with the rocking ride of disappointment and unfulfilled goals that was 2020, as well as the aforementioned ideation. I’m flat out intimidated to identify what would launch me from this very comfy plateau I think I’m on.

Mood: Meh

OK, so they say admittance is the first step. Now I know I made a really big one by re-launching my blog and getting more of ‘me’ out there on the socials and hopefully that leads me into new awakenings. (Actually, I’m counting on it because I’m having more fun than I thought and I’m connecting with a host of awesome folks. A goal? Perhaps). New awakenings usually come from dark, uncomfortable situations, like a seed in the ground and my trainer used to keep ringing out my ears to ‘Trust the Process’ while getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. That’s only when the growth happens.

So for 2021 I’m about to get really uncomfortable as I believe it is time for ME to grow some more. I would be lying if I said was ready but I hope can you accompany me on my journey to self-discovery this year and living life a little less average.

Blessings

TMIDM

Published by trinimomindmiddle

I'm a mother, wife, teacher and general observer of life on the beautiful twin island republic of Trinidad and Tobago. My blog is a space for my thoughts, concerns, ideas, rants, jokes and random musings about life here.

Feel free to leave a comment!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: