On Sunday night I got some devastating news about a friend of mine who passed away. Of course I refused to believe it at first but when I got confirmation I felt as though someone knifed me in the heart. I plunged into sadness because to me grief comes not when you know someone is going to die by illness or suffering, but when it happens unexpectedly. That is the worst kind. On top of that is where your mind tosses about the couldas and the shouldas and the wouldas and that this death that was totally unexpected happened under questionable circumstances, makes it even worse. Now I have all these how and why questions that no one can answer for me now and I think that is what hurts the most. I have no immediate and absolute facts to deal with other than the one that is most poignant, that he is dead.
Of course all of the memories came flooding back, all the occasions, the serious conversations, the laughs, the singing and dancing…I knew that it would be a lot to bear. Yesterday at work I armed myself with various distractions, couple of DVDs, games, so I managed to block out my thoughts for bits at a time but he came back in a few random moments. I managed to smile today as I remembered a few and sighed rather than cried. I don’t feel as devastated as I did on Sunday into Monday but the sadness is still there as I suspect it will be until he is laid to rest.
It doesn’t happen often but I embrace my sadness. I wallow in it because it comforts me and at a time like this, it is the only emotion, the only feeling that I am sure of. I give it the attention it needs and then it goes away eventually. It might sound strange but it works for me much like anger, anxiety and fear.
So my friend is gone. It pains me to believe and it’s difficult to accept but I will get there and I have my sadness to help me along.